Convicted

I feel as if I spend a whole lot of my life searching. I can't say what exactly I'm searching for, because I don't really know. Yet, I always feel like I'm searching. One of the things that I was searching for was a church. I know, I know, me, a pastor's daughter, searching for a church? Well, yes. Yes, I was searching for a church. Not because I didn't like the church my dad pastors at, but because I wanted to have a church all to myself - I wanted to find a church for myself, instead of being thrown into one without choice. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like you're searching for a church, a person, a place or some form of a thought that you keep trying to grasp at but never can? Like your church isn't meeting your needs or your spouse just isn't good enough or the place you thought you'd be happy just isn't actually making you happy?

I have to say that I felt this way about a month ago. I was searching for something to meet my needs, and only now do I realize how selfish I really was. Which was why, I began going to other churches aside from the one my dad pastors. I wanted something to specifically call my own. Which again, still makes my motives quietly selfish. So I began going to a super awesome church - I'm talking the race horse of all churches - the big cheese of all churches. Pretty much the greatest, and most popular church out there. I will be completely honest in saying that I fell in love with this church. I loved going with my friends and doing something for myself and going somewhere I wanted to go. It was probably some of the best times ever.

And then, it hit me. Not too long ago I was doing my devotions and a rather startling thought came into my mind. I realized that I didn't belong at the church I had been attending outside of the one my dad pastored. I realized that while I did love my new church, the church that my family was at was the church I belonged to. I was already invested into that church - I was serving there, going to youth group there, being involved in the bible studies. So, why was I trying to force myself into a church that wasn't really my church? It was hard to come to terms with this, and a part of me didn't want to think that way. Still, I was being convicted. God was convicting me because I was pulling away from the church I was invested in, and satan was trying to tug me away from the place I was most needed. While going to another church isn't bad, it's the motives that made it bad. I wanted a break - I wanted something for myself - I wanted my own adventure. And while those may seem okay, they aren't, because I was missing opportunities in my own ministry. At the other church, I was just a person that came and went on a Sunday morning. At my church, I was a warrior in a battle, bringing the Good News to the people around me. I was missing the chance to get to be invested in by my elders and missing the opportunity to invest into the younger girls that God had placed in my life.

I bet you've had that same feeling, right? Been unhappy with something so try to run from it? Run in the other direction, yet? Yeah, me too. I've tried, and it doesn't really work the way I had planned. I wanted to go to the other church because I wanted to choose something for myself - I wanted to experience something different. But I found out that it wasn't what I actually needed, and definitely not what God needed from me. My job as God's child - as God's warrior - isn't to go around searching for the next best thing, but to stay planted where my roots are and where God has called me to be serving Him. I had made a commitment to the church I was planted in, and when I suddenly tried to tug away from my home church, I was doing exactly what satan wanted me to do, which was let the Lord down. I was breaking a commitment in front of God because of the idea of something better coming along the way down the road. Which, might I say, was very, very, very wrong of me.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

So I guess you can say that I wasn't being very committed, and yes, eventually, I was convicted. If you feel a tugging in your chest when you're going to a different church, or spending time with the wrong people, or bouncing from place to place or person to person in search of the "next best thing", then stop. That's God, and He's telling you to dig down deep and plant your roots where you are, because that's exactly where He has you, and He has you there for a reason, even if you can't see the whole picture yet. If you're convicted, then it's time for a change.

The Smiths and 12 Ounces of Tea

Today is a Smiths and 12 ounces of tea type of day. You know, the day where you just feel like you want to crawl in bed and hibernate for the rest of your life. That type of day where you snuggle into your covers and sweatshirt with a large mug of tea, listen to "Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want" by The Smiths and wallow in your misery, because life hasn't been all that great this past week. It's a cuddle with your teddy bear type of day, at least it is for me. It hasn't been the best of weeks that I've ever had.

As the end of this week comes around, I'm pretty sure it has been the worst week of my entire life. Every single day starting from last Sunday to this Sunday has housed something incredibly bad in it. Never in my entire life have so many uncontrollably bad things happened in one solid week. I'm pretty sure I've broken a record with all time badness in a seven day span! Last Sunday I found out a crazy piece of information about a close friend; Monday I had a huge fight with my little brother; Tuesday I had one of the biggest fights I've ever had with my best friend; Wednesday I got so sick I was up all night leaning over the toilet, waiting - and praying - for Jesus to take me home before I threw up my guts; Thursday I was sick with a swollen belly and the feeling of needing to puke every couple minutes; Friday I nearly passed out at work from exhaustion and still had a swollen tummy; Saturday I found out my email to my professor about my midterm didn't send; today (Sunday once again) I found out I might not even get a chance at my midterm, because I still haven't heard anything back from my teacher. And to top it all off, Mother Nature decided to deliver her little package of horror to me last Sunday evening.

Do you ever have weeks like that? Weeks where everything just seems to be going wrong and bad? Weeks where the world definitely feels like it's crumbling down around you? Weeks where practically nothing can seem to be remotely normal or proper or right? Good to know, because I am here to tell you that you are not alone, not even in the slightest. If you had a week like I did, then I have got something mighty important to tell you. While you may think that God is trying to lay burdens upon you, do not be fooled by evil! You are under the attack of the devil, and he is clawing at your insides and threatening to break your happy-Jesus streak. And if you are under attack, congratulations, because it means you did something to make satan angry; it means you did something godly, something for the Kingdom.

I will tell you right now that if you had asked me in the beginning of the week if I felt like I was under attack and just needed to stand strong, I would've told you "yes". On Sunday evening and even on Monday I was feeling pretty fearless; I could face the world and take it by the horns. Now if you had asked me if I was under attack in the middle of the week on Tuesday or Wednesday, I would've told you that God was trying to challenge me or make me suffer. If you asked me Friday or Saturday I would've told you the same thing, along with pouting and wandering around like a kicked puppy because of the doubt of God in my mind. If you asked me this morning, about a couple hours ago, I would've told you that there was no way in all this earth that I could be fearless and that something was obviously wrong. If you asked me now, I'd finally tell you a real, desirable answer. I'd tell you "Yes, I am under attack. I've no idea why I've made satan so angry, but I sure hope I ruined his week too! I do not feel fearless, but my God is fearless, and He can carry me through hard times.".

If you are at the beginning of the week and something bad is happening, don't let yourself get too cocky in the beginning of the week like I did, feeling far too fearless for sense. If you are in the middle of the week, don't allow yourself to wallow in your misery like I did. If you are at the end of the week, don't sit and have a pity party like I so wrongly did. Hold your chin up! Chase out satan! Shout out loud "NO" at him, because he can't take you away and he won't pull you down to his level. Things may seem like they are falling down around you, and sometimes there will be hard weeks, months, and even years, but it's because you are destined for greatness and have seriously enraged satan. If things seem like they aren't going the way you think they should, don't worry, because God has something planned for you that is even better than you thought, and definitely better than the time of hardship you are going through. A quote I once saw said, "All great changes are preceded by chaos." You know what that means? It means that all the great things God has planned for you...all the great things you are going to do in His Glory will follow out and will happen, but only after the storm rages. So let the storm rage, but do not let satan drown you in the rain. Instead, dance through the thunder and lightning and pounding rain and hold your head up high in the battle, because making satan angry means you are making God joyful - joyful!

I can't tell you if I'm nearing the end of my raging storm or not, or if satan's attack is going to subside right now or in three weeks from now. I can't really say even if this is the hardest part of the storm or the calmest. I wish that I knew the answers, because I don't know when you will have a storm or when it will end or how long it will go for. But I can tell you that if you are tired - if you are exhausted - if you are falling to your knees in fatigue - if you are having difficulty dancing through the storm, Jesus has provided us with a simple answer. It says:

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Did you just read those words properly? It says "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest." If we come to Him during this time of hardship and attack, then He will give us glorious, protected, sweet rest. I can't even begin to explain how perfect that rest sounds, and how all I need to do to get it is go to Jesus. I believe that during my week of insanity I pulled away from God a little bit, lowering my shield, and in doing so I was leapt upon by the enemy. It's been a tough, long week but as it ends, I can't help but notice my strength replenishing little by little. I feel as if I am standing to my feet and bracing myself for the battle to throw itself at me, because God is on my side and He is my Protector.

There will be days when the world seems to be crumpling before your eyes, and days where you do fight with your best friend or get sick or don't get a good grade, and those are days where satan is trying to get at you because he knows you are going to do something great one of these days. I say to you now, you can rise above these difficult times, and not with great Smiths music or 12 ounces of tea (although that is wonderful), but instead with worship music, the Word and the Lord. In the beautiful words of Colton Dixon, "When your heart is cold and you feel you're letting go, you can rise above the world. You can rise above the world, tonight."

So rise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dyO2ph1vaA