Isolation

It happens when you're on a Jesus high; one second everything is so fantastic, and the next, it seems as if it's crumbling down around you. It has symptoms; anxiety, depression, loneliness, heartache, paranoia that at any moment you just might go insane. I wish I could explain how it feels; how it feels when your life seems to be spiraling down in an uncontrollable tornado that has you screaming and begging and pleading for peace and joy and comfort from the ones around you. I wish I could explain how it feels to be under this nearly constant attack, in a battle you know you are only a pawn in. But I can't. The words are too simple, the adjectives not grotesque enough and the nouns far too innocent. One can't explain the mental aspects of this devastating feeling that has loneliness lapping at your toes, burning at your insides. It's far too hard to really get the perfectly horrific picture of this feeling. It's like in that single moment, everything that you previously had, was harshly yanked away from you, leaving you exposed and alone – naked with no protection. If you haven't already figured out what I'm talking about yet, I will give you the answer: isolation.

This corrupting feeling of isolation is one that is far too close to me. It's almost too easy to feel isolated. Some of you may be wondering whether I'm talking about God or not, and the answer is no. No, I do not feel "isolated from God". When times were (and are yet to come) hard between God and I, I felt abandoned, not isolated. No, I am not talking about God. I am talking about people around me. To say there are bad people around me would be a disastrous lie; I have wonderful people around me, and they are all very sweet and nice, and I adore them to the moon and back. But, there are times in my life that I feel isolated from them, as if friends in my life have suddenly walked away. It feels as if they’ve walked away, even if they haven’t literally walked to a different part of the country. I can’t find a friend; I feel so exposed and chaotic. That’s only the first part of isolation. After that, comes the part where it feels as if there are no human arms out to hold me; it’s in this time that I start to feel frantic; have I lost everything so quickly? Why is everything shattering before me, leaving me in a room full of broken pieces? Why would God be stealing away the people around me and making me so unhappy? Could the Creator of the Universe really be so cruel? At first, I thought so. Why would God dare to be so abhorrent when I was so joyous? After all, didn’t He want me to have friends and be comforted by the people around me?

Yes, God does want me to be lighthearted, but He wants me to be lighthearted in the right way. When I began to feel isolated, I was so focused on wanting a friend, that I was missing the friend I already had: Jesus. Even though I was on a “Jesus high” and was in an awesome relationship with God, I was too busy running after having a physical friend, that I was shoving Jesus roughly aside. When God chose to isolate me from my friends, I thought it was Him being heartless, but in truth, that wasn’t what He was doing at all! By leaving me completely isolated from the people around me, God was creating a clear path straight into His arms. When I’ve got people around to care for me and hold me in their arms during hard times, or listen to my crazy rants, I don’t depend on Him the same way as to when I’m isolated. I had been so petty to think that God was trying to tear my friends away from me, that I didn’t realize that He was only trying to pull me closer to Him.

Isolation and loneliness are nearly the same thing, and I can attest to that. We feel lonely when there’s no one pursuing us, and we feel isolated when there’s no one around us – they’re almost identical. It was in one of my lonely and isolated times that I stumbled upon a perfect quote by one of my favorite authors, Max Lucado:

“Loneliness. Could it be one of God’s finest gifts? If a season of solitude is His way to teach you to hear His song, don’t you think it’s worth it? So do I.”

At first, I thought Mr. Max Lucado was crazy; loneliness and isolation are one of God’s finest gifts? That is outrageous! He is clearly incompetent, I had thought to myself. But now, I realize wasn’t as lunatic as I’d thought; he was genius. Like Hayley DiMarco and Max Lucado have both said, isolation and loneliness are exactly what God wants, because it only causes us to go careening back into Him.

Do you hear that? It’s the sound of isolation and loneliness. Do you hear that? Listen closer now. Do you hear that? It’s not silence. Do you hear that? It’s the sound of God crying out your name.

Do you feel that? It’s the feeling of isolation and loneliness. Do you feel that? Try a little harder. Do you feel that? It’s not the emptiness of nobody’s touch. Do you feel that? It’s God’s arms wrapping around you, drawing you closer to Him.

“Like a shepherd, He will care for His flock, fathering the lambs in His arms, hugging them as He carries them.”  Isaiah 40:11a